Rt Rev RCA Henderson, Bishop of Tuam
Rev Prof RAB Mollan (Chairman)
Rev Canon KA Kearon
Rev ECJ Woods (Honorary Secretary)
Mrs J Denner
Mrs I Deverell
Mrs R Macartney
Mrs C Missen
Mr I Slaine
Mrs M Stephens
Mrs P Totten
Mrs J Turner
Mrs P Wallace
Rev Canon PR Draper
Mr G Clark
Mr G Glenn
This was the title of a major conference in November 2000 organised and hosted by the Marriage Council. The keynote addresses were as follows: The Theology of Marriage by the Rt Rev Richard Henderson, The History of Marriage by the Most Rev Richard Clarke and The Ideal and Reality of Marriage Today by Ms Claire Missen of the Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service.
Bishop Henderson based his address on the concept of God as
Trinity – “a loving and equal partnership as marriage should be”. The Trinity is a holy relationship of love joined together by consent,
commitment and love, and in the challenge of a loving and committed
relationship with each other God is calling us into sharing something of
himself. “It follows that we shall
indeed find God in good relationships”.
The Trinity
is also creative. “We are invited to
make something of life, to make something with life, even to make life”. Not all creativity is pro-creativity. “Certainly human marriage carries creation
within it; sometimes this is through what we call pro-creation. But other times, marriages and indeed
friendships are deeply creative without creating humankind”.
Bishop Clarke observed that we have a happy knack of assuming that the past was both standardised and consistent but “Nothing could be further from the truth, particularly when it comes to marriage”.
Going back
to the early history of the church, he noted that Christians were married
according to the ceremonies and popular customs associated with marriage in
contemporary society, although the Church did seek to encircle the marriages of
her members with pastoral care. But the
aim was not to create a separate marriage procedure for Christians. Marriage “in the presence of the church” was
just not known in the early centuries.
It was probably only in the eleventh or twelfth centuries that the
church began to take any real jurisdictional control over marriage.
It was not
until the sixteenth century that the Council of Trent decreed that marriages
should be celebrated in the presence of a priest and at least two witnesses in
order to be considered canonically valid.
Up to that there was no uniformity throughout Christendom – the
essential element was consent. The due
performance of public ceremonies was secondary.
In the
post-Reformation period, the marriage ceremony and the church’s requirements
did not change. “However, the Church
was still willing to recognise informal marriages whereby the parties simply
exchanged promises to one another that they would live as man and wife. Until the middle of the eighteenth century,
these informal marriages were recognised by the ecclesiastical authority”.
Bishop
Clarke noted “that even where a couple were in good standing with the church
and were doing everything correctly, the public church ceremony was very much
something tacked on to the end of much family and social ritual, private and
public … Consent, given freely and properly witnessed, is what makes a valid
marriage”.
Today in
Ireland we operate under a Marriage Act 1844, which allows the Church of
Ireland, among other churches and institutions, to officiate at marriages that
the State is prepared to recognise as true marriages. “Perhaps it is because Church and State have combined to operate
a system which is apparently seamless
between the civil and ecclesiastical aspects of marriage, that the belief has
built up steadily through the nineteenth and into the twentieth century that a
church marriage was the only real marriage in the sight of God. The belief of the Christian Church through
well over half of its existence has been otherwise”.
In her
address Ms Missen said that Marriage had changed, but in her view it was for
the better, both for men and for women.
She defined a happy marriage, as “quite simply being respected and
cherished”, and went on to say that in a modern marriage couples see themselves
as equal partners where neither holds the greater power. Mutuality is the key word, and the key to
being respected and cherished.
She firmly
believed that, in spite of what many people think, couples today do have a
sense of commitment, and do make every effort to save the relationship. True, many more marriages are breaking down,
but in her opinion, only a tiny minority on their wedding day feel they are not
making a commitment. But because of the
pressures of life today marriages are under stress and breaking down. Often at the end of a day, after coping with
work, traffic, children, homework and housework, couples have little energy
left for maintaining their relationship.
Turning to
communication, Ms Missen spoke about gender difference and the impact it can
have on a relationship. “Women talk to
think, men think to talk”. Each gender
needs to learn to appreciate the difference in their ways of communicating
feelings, so that neither is left feeling powerless.
Ms Missen
concluded that, in her experience, couples today are much more clear in their
minds about the whole concept of equal partnership and this makes her
optimistic even though marriage may be going through an unstable period.
The keynote
addresses were followed by workshops on Cohabitation, Interchurch Marriage,
Marriage Nurture, Separation and Breakdown and Second Relationships.
A full
report of the keynote addresses and the results of the workshops can be
consulted in the RCB Library.
A document explaining the current rules and practices relating to Interchurch marriage was drafted by the Marriage Council and sent to the House of Bishops for ratification. This was sent to all clergy in June 2000 as an appendix to their marriage preparation pack “Towards Marriage”. The document is intended for photocopying to give to couples contemplating an interchurch marriage.
The Council launched its own website in February 2001 in conjunction with the Church of Ireland website. The address of the website is http://marriagecouncil.ireland.anglican.org/. The Council would like to thank Ian Mollan and Alan Walbridge for all their hard work in preparing the site and maintaining it.
The Council compiled a prayer diary for use by church members during the week. This was distributed to all diocesan magazines and through the Church of Ireland Forum.
The Council chairman, Rev Prof RAB Mollan was a member of the Standing Committee group which considered the report of the Advisory Committee on Law Reform (NI). The Church of Ireland welcomed the proposals as a way forward and urged the Advisory Committee of the need for an all-Ireland commonality.
1. One of the main results of a questionnaire sent to all clergy in 2000 was a request for training in counselling to enhance their pastoral skills in dealing with marriage preparation and marriage breakdown. The Council felt that diocesan bishops would best provide this as part of their programmes of continuing on-going ministerial training and the Council wrote to each bishop in this regard.
As a follow-up to that, the Council is considering setting up the programme and personnel that could provide a training day for any diocese which would want to give such in-service training to their clergy.
2. Many issues were highlighted at last year’s conference, and the council plan to hold another conference to focus on the whole issue of Second Relationships, including the effects of marriage breakdown on children.
The Council would like to express its gratitude to Ms Jennifer Byrne of Church House for the many ways she serves the Council as administrative assistant and for her unfailing efficiency, patience and good humour.